Narcissists don’t really want you to enjoy the holidays, especially your own. When your momma acts so sweet and caters to your every need, buys your favorite chocolate, and tells you so lovingly, “sweetie I bought you your very favorite.” And you return her with a fake smile, and happy voice, “thanks so much mom, you’re so sweet.” But inside you truly feel numb, because you have to detach from the sweet gestures, in order to survive. In order to keep things closer to equilibrium, you have to realize after the gesture, comes the swift, malicious, deeply-cutting, calculated attack that sends you spiraling into fight-or-flight mode, numbing out, dissociating, and crying due to murderous words. This isn’t a figment. of. my. imagination. This. Is. Called being a life-long victim of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Every. Single. Sweet Gesture. Has. A. Calculated. Incentive. To Steal. Kill. Destroy your Joy. Spirit. and Life. Your life-force is their narcissistic supply. They live and breathe off of emotions of shame, guilt, sadness, anger, and disdain. You are a victim of abuse, don’t let them tell you otherwise, because if anyone else walked in your shoes, they wouldn’t be strong enough to stand up and rise. Set boundaries, and stand up and fight, rather than succumb, crumble, and take your life.
Sensitivity is your superpower. Superpower to love beyond the threshold of evil, wicked, abominable actions of human beings. When you’ve been raped of your dignity, and you cling to Jesus Christ, you grow in strength beyond the normal person, super-heroes have kryptonite. I have a mother who hurts me for her own pleasure but acts adorable, loveable, and giving when she needs to woo me back to vulnerability- so that I don’t fully hate her for when she does abuse me.
29 years young, young heart, old soul. This isn’t the end, at all. This is the beginning of pulling out my Sword of Truth(the Word of God- the King James Bible that hasn’t been tampered with) and Fighting the Good Fight. Righteous Indignation. Righteous Indignation. Hate what is Evil and Cling to what is good. Love your enemies, pray for them. With a narcissist that’s what you do. Even if it’s your momma, daddy, brother, sister, ex-lovers, friends, pastors, whoever. Have nothing do with wicked people, as scripture mentions. How do we forget? Because as an empathic Christian person, you’ve been brainwashed, conditioned to focus on the verses to forgive instead. Forgiveness is for YOU too, but it doesn’t mean go and be close friends again. It means you take the hate out of your heart for the person, and to hate the sin instead, but keep up your boundaries. Be wise as a serpent, and gentle as a dove. Stop listening to spiritual abusers, and understand what it means to “love others as you love yourself.” Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul, strength, and love YOURSELF first the way Christ loves you. IF you don’t, you’ll never learn how to love others. You’ll never learn what’s healthy, what’s not, and you’ll always misinterpret scripture to mean that you, the victim, are a perpetrator for standing up for yourself by saying NO. Jesus said no. He didn’t have time to heal everyone, He came to do what He had to do. He yelled and threw tables. He had Righteous Indignation against wrong-doing-evil-scheming-selfish-wicked-abusers of the weak. Don’t you forget that.
He’s God. He could do those things and not sin. In our case, since we’re in the flesh, and prone to sin, we follow suit by doing our own inner work, and doing work for His Kingdom’s Cause. and Loving our Enemies. Pray for them- Give them up to God. Focus on yourself, on your own walk, so you can heal, and be better able to serve the Lord and others who are not lovers of themselves to the point of no return- but to serve those who are helpless, lost, vulnerable, orphans, as you once were.
You’re saved by His blood alone. 100% ONLY HIM. Other than that, work out your own salvation like scripture says, meaning you turn to Christ to heal and restore you every single baby-step of the way to Christ-likeness, He’s given you the room and grace to catch you when you fall. You are imperfect, which is perfect because that way you can draw near to The Lord Jesus Christ with the right-heart-state– humbled, and teachable, and giving Him ALL.
Fight the Good Fight. Set Boundaries. Heal. Stay away from wicked, dangerous people. Love others. With Boundaries. Self-Care. Go away to your mountain and pray. In quietness, every single day, multiple times a day. Give it all to The Lord Christ Jesus.
You’re not alone. He is always with you, even to the end of the Age.
Find a healthy community for yourself, you don’t need to do this alone. Find your local domestic violence centers (they usually have free therapy and help for any situation and restraining orders too, if needed), narcissistic abuse groups, codependency groups, individual therapy, group therapy, church therapy groups like Celebrate Recovery, as well as awesome YouTubers like The Royal We, Richard Grannon, Angie Atkinson.
Don’t do it alone. You deserve ALL of the support that you need, from people that get you, and care, and won’t be like them. ❤ I hope my first post, on the eve of my 29th birthday, was a blessing to you. I will be enjoying myself, praising my Lord for how far He’s brought me, teaching me how to be more like Him, and how to find contentment in all situations like the Apostle Paul said. What a blessing this life is when you have the Lord, you can and will make it with Him as your full support. Going to take my time, bathe with essential oils, dark chocolate, and Bible studies, dear friends, along with worship and praise- these are a few of my favorite things.